I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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