Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
