You work out of a Hotel?
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
