Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
