I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
