i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
