you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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