Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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