I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
