I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
