dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
