even my farts smell like vagina
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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