you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
