a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize