No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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