I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
