I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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