I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
