On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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