New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Everyone says I win the strip club
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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