My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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