Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
She announced her abortion via fbk
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize