we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
