the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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