when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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