"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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