No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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