There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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