I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
