Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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