i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
