A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
