i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
