Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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