I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
