I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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