Dude my mom stole all your condoms
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
