dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
