I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
