What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I want a musical about memes.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
