just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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