You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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