y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
