I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
