Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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