I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
