My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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