So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
