Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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