Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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