If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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