You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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