so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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