blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
