I think my fart just growled at me.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
