thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
