My Higher Power is John Stamos
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize