She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
So apparently I’m into choking now
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