The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
