JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize
